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| "From earliest times to the present, the testimony is consistent; men and women have trouble with their most important relationships. Imago Therapy offers a theory of how the uncompleted emotional agendas of childhood are likely to be re-enacted in present marital conflict. It offers ways to access and bring into awareness that material and employs a number of specific procedures for helping couples transform their relationship.? |
| Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., Creator of Imago Relation |
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| The term Imago is a Latin word for image. Imago theory states that each of us unconsciously forms an image of an opposite sex partner which is made up of both the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers. In the romantic phase of the relationship, we see our partner?s positive traits and think that this person will meet all our needs we didn't get met as a child. At a certain point however, the honeymoon is over and we realize that some of the negative qualities that were a part of our childhood are also cropping up in the relationship. We realize our partner is not going to take care of all our unmet childhood needs, and indeed is more interested in getting his or her needs met. At this point, the power struggle begins and it is where most marriages stay with varying degrees of resignation, bitterness and disillusionment. As strange as it may seem, it is these negative characteristics which are more important in a relationship because they touch on the needs that we did not get meet in childhood. Unfortunately it often seem more acceptable at this stage to leave the relationship ( divorce or separation ); however, one runs the very real danger of getting rid of the partner but keeping the problem. |
| Imago Theory offers an alternative. |
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| If I am unconsciously attracted to my partner because he or she has the similar positive and negative characteristics of my family of origin, and if there is a complimentary attraction on my partner?s side, then there is no place for blame or criticism in my marriage. Each partner has chosen the other out of literally thousands of possibilities in order to get unmet childhood needs fulfilled. We would say today that the purpose of a committed relationship is to finish childhood. Accordingly to Hendrix though, for most of us this purpose of marriage is unconscious. There is the romantic phase and then a subtle or not so subtle shift into the power struggle and here is where many ( most ) marriages end up ( or die ). |
| The key word here is unconscious. Imago theory offers ways and procedures to move an unconscious marriage to a conscious, intentional marriage and pave the way for real ( reality ) love - two partners who know what the purpose of their marriage is ( to heal the childhood wounds of their partners ), who have the tools to do this ( intentional dialogue, etc., ) and who genuinely love each other ( i.e. meet their partner's needs the way they need to be met ). It sounds simple but it is not easy. M Scott Peck, the author of ? The Road Less Travelled ? speaks about Imago Relationship Therapy ? I know of no better guide for couples who genuinely desire a maturing relationship.? |
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